” look or it is rare enough for both to step over it without looking back. The result is a pattern of character assassination of each other which never makes possible a viable and safe way to disagree or move on — be it about the kids, the kitchen or the future of the relationship Some partners react to being invalidated by disqualifying the other as a confidant. Some invalidated partners harbor hidden resentment, which erupts as anger, over minor incidents or issues. It is not that I don’t care about your opinion – I want to hear it.
When invalidation becomes a chronic dynamic between partners, it becomes relationship corrosive. They find other people to validate their feelings, opinions and dreams. We are just pressed for time.” Disagree Without Invalidating It is possible to be true to yourself and disagree without invalidating.
Misunderstanding What it Means to Validate: Sometimes people invalidate because they believe if they validate they are agreeing.
A person can state, “You think it’s wrong that you’re angry with your friend,” and not agree with you. But because they want to reassure you they invalidate by saying, “You shouldn’t think that way.” Wanting to Fix Your Feelings: “Come on, don’t be sad. ” People who love you don’t want you to hurt so sometimes they invalidate your thoughts and feelings in their efforts to get you to feel happier.
Thanks to a plethora of self-help books on relationships, most partners, whether dating, committed or long married, have become aware of the value of listening for improving understanding and connection.
Most recognize or are reminded by their partners when they are not listening.
Whatever the outcome, you will be setting the stage for something very valuable – Balance with Validation A valuable antidote to invalidation is making validation an essential part of your relationship.
No one outgrows the need for validation from the person they love.
Probably the hardest things to change are the things we don’t realize we’re doing – like invalidating our partner.
It compromises the mutual trust and respect needed for love and connection. Own the Source of Your Comment Are you holding on to resentment and anger about something else that is coming out as dismissal or denigration of your partner? Friendly Feedback At a calm moment – ask if your partner ever feels invalidated by the way you say things to him/her.
From what I have observed with couples over the years it often unfolds in the following ways: Some partners absorb the disqualification and negative implication and act into it. If the conversation takes off, you might even share if you think you both at times invalidate each other.
It carries the implication that you must be crazy, bad, over-sensitive or inept to feel a certain way.
Impact: Regardless of intent, invalidating your partner is never a great thing.